Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
