Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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