so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
