I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
