I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
