so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize