my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
