Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
