I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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