Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
