I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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