what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
