Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
