So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
