when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
