So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
