Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
