I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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