My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
