if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
