Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
