we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
