just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
