Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
