Your tits are I can't wait for
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
