how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
