Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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