His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
