no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
