There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
