I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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