do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
