Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
