At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
