I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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