she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
