There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
handjob tips. give me some.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
