i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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