i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
