after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
