my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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