My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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