you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
