You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So much rum. So many feels.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
