Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize