She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize