you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
