you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
