wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
