THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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