people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
