True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
