I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
