Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
