I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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