You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
