i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
