I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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